I first got to know the lovely Karen Geraghty via the wonderful app that is Snapchat. Our friendship blossomed and she not only became a dear friend but a confidant. I finally got to meet Karen in September last year at one of our Cloggers Blogger Events which was so great as she is just as fab in the flesh. When Karen asked me to join in her Guest Bloggers Month of love series, I kinda knew it was now or never and I instantly had the post in my head, whether or not I could put it into words or not was another story entirely. But I did and its written and over on YankeeDoodlePaddy.com along with all the other fab guest blog posts. So I have decided to post it on my own blog. Nervous “YES” but I’m going to HIT THAT PUBLISH BUTTON …
Thank you Karen for giving me the safety net of your blog to first publish my story.
“I Love Myself”
You may be reading this and thinking gosh she loves herself doesn’t she !
She ain’t half fond of herself, bit vain of her to say that, full of herself eh … and so on and so forth.You get my drift. But if you don’t LOVE yourself then how can you love others and really and truly be 100% happy in all you do in life. Self – love and self-care brings real change to our lives.
I pondered a while about sharing something so personal and then I felt like even if it just resonates with even one lost soul then my work is done. Well not my work is done but it will show you that you are not alone, others so so many others have gone through something similar and while I have come out fighting and become a better and stronger person from it, learned from it and then grasped life with both hands. Don’t get me wrong it was tough but those kinda journeys always are.
I’m going to talk about this young girl way back when life seemed like shit and all she wanted to do was hide away from the world. Just open the front door and run, run hard and fast and for miles run into oblivion in the hope of some peace.To smash up everything and anything and destroy and hurt everyone around her. But she didn’t do any of those things she felt lost, sad and lonely. Her parent’s had split up and the whole world crashed down around her. Unless you’re a child that came from a home where your parents split up then you can never fully understand how it feels. When there meant to be your rocks and the two pieces that hold the unit together. Instead of clicking together like magnets they repelled and it was tough. I’m not going to go into the in’s and out’s of why it happened, it did and it was horrible.
This combined with a breakup and dealing with other issues was detrimental to me and at the tender age of 21 or 22 forgive me as I have a head like a sieve and cannot remember dates ever maybe there’s a reason for this. Sometimes as a coping mechanism we block TIME as in the day the date the sec … why remember what we would rather forget, bury it deep in our subconscious so that it never returns. But there will be a certain “Word” or “Smell” or “Movement” that brings it all flooding back like a torrent thundering through your veins & your brain at a million miles an hour…sending shock waves of mixed emotions & making your heart palpitate so hard and fast you feel like your going to pass out !!!
No one said life was going to be easy but then again some have it fairly handy all the same. It was an ordinary evening and time passed slowly as if it was happening in slow motion … one minute chatting and laughing with a friend & the next minute alone in a room with a large pint glass of water & a pack Prozac (anti-depressants) pressing gently on the foil and popped the first one – down it went.There I was standing outside my own body looking in at that sad vunerable girl wanting to scream at her but could do nothing to HELP. Second one-third, fourth, fifth, sixth on and on and on till the 23 little tiny pill glided down her throat & hit the pit of her stomach.
When you think of people who try to take their own lives & you say how can they do that? Why would the do that ? How selfish of them ? Dont they think of who they’ll leave behind and how upset they’ll be ?
NO ! NO ! NO ! ABSOLUTELY NOT NO BLOODY WAY are we thinking about you or anyone else … I was only thinking that I can’t hack this anymore, its to hard, I want to sleep and never ever wake up. The peace of mind will be nice… I was lost in a sea of sorrow & even though I had people around me … I also had NO ONE !!!
It’s like you could have everyone around you helping you, supporting you but there’s a veil between you & them and you’re in a world of your own. It’s like you have little conversations in your brain with yourself & at that point my brain/subconscious said GO ON POP EM, TAKE THE FECKIN LOT, its easy to do and you will be able to finally have peace & no more pain or sorrow.
Then a tiny piece of me cried out & realised that I wanted another chance I wanted to fight this wasnt the end for me
I want my life
I want to live
I want to love hard and to be loved
I want to have fun to be wild and crazy
I want to do stupid things like dance till my feet hurt till the early hours of the morning
I wanna kiss more than one frog till I meet my prince
I want to travel and see the world
I want to dream big dreams
I want just TO BE ME AND LIVE MY LIFE…
I’ll only ever get one shot at it and I wanted that one shot
So I ended up in The Emergency room and had to drink jugs full of Activated Charcoal & spent hours vomiting …the story of my short life flashing before my young eyes…wet tears stinging my face hot & salty falling hard and fast. Sheer panic setting in as my poor Dad sat at my side holding my hand and moping my brow.
I didn’t know if Id done any permanent damage to myself or not but the time in that little cubicle passed so slowly I had nurses & doctors examining me sticking things on my chest, monitoring my heart, checking my blood pressure most of it passed in a blur being honest.
I think it was 4 maybe 5 in the morning when my system was given the all clear. I was moved to a ward and made comfortable on my side lying in recovery position but feeling so very nauseous. My nurse was so sweet and kind she knelt beside my bed and rubbed my head asking if I wanted a sip of water … I could hardly move I was so drained physically & emotionally she lifted me gentle and held the water to my mouth, I took a tiny sip. But whispered too her “I feel so sick”
Close your mouth and breathe slowly in your nose and then out your mouth & repeat…funny the things you remember at a time like that.
As dawn broke and the usually commotion of hospital life began I had a visitor by my bedside. I think it was the hospital psychiatrist they asked if there was a reason behind what Id done and if I wanted to talk about it ?
I said ” No ” & they said OK & walked away no follow-up NOTHING … to this day that struck me as AN EPIC FAIL on the part of the HEALTH SYSTEM in Ireland but really nowadays looking back it doesn’t surprise me that much. Our HEALTH SYSTEM is so poor and some of what goes on and the lack of help in this country is beyond horrendous.
But I survived ..
I lived to fight another day..
I grew strong and I grew up
I’m a fighter
A dreamer & a believer
I don’t waste an opportunity now. If there’s something I want to do I’ll do it.
I don’t waste my time on foolish people or time wasters
Why concern yourself with others, focus on yourself, LOVE yourself, and then you will be a stronger person, confident in your life and in your choices … not here to have your time or energy wasted on people playing stupid games, people with hidden agendas and bad vibes. I could write volumes on why NEGATIVITY is a head wrecker & people who are UNHAPPY always cause drama a lot of my life was filled with it …
No longer do I abide it I strive for GOOD HEALTH & HAPPINESS & LOVE 💞
I don’t need a massive wallet bursting with wades of cash…
I need my HEART to be BURSTING with LOVE, GOOD HEALTH, MY FAMILY,GOOD FRIENDS & GOOD MEMORIES those are simple things but its all I need from LIFE anything else is a bonus.
My ” LOVE” for Life got me through and made me what I am today … this is my story … my life … my book. Nor will I apologize for it.